I have been serverly lacking in blog post here lately. Not because I haven’t wanted to, because trust me I need to my habit of bottling everything up is not good. It’s just by the time I get home, eat and get settled it’s 10:00 at night. You know the normal USA life, working it away. Sad, but true.

I have been doing ok I guess. I just notice that my fuse is short… And I mean really short.

I hate when parent’s complain about their kids and the responsibility of being a parent. I mean honestly you don’t know how lucky you are. And I will admit I was partly the same way when Bella was here, but now my entire mindset has changed. 

I would give anything to be up all night taking care of her. To have my entire day revolve around her.

And I try to be so happy about survival stories of babies. But I get so hateful at the same time. I mean to hear that these babies have beat all odds, but Bella couldn’t. Is it wrong of me?

Sigh… Maybe one day I will be able to come to terms with things…

Day 3/4/5

So I got lazy on posting. Sorry about that, just been trying to get stuff done.

Yesterday was second time at the gym this week. It felt great!! Did another 45 minutes on the Eliptical, not much but I am already feeling better.

I haven’t really been eating all the great. Mostly fast food for lunch, but I have been watching the calories. So, I haven’t been doing too bad. I really need to go grocery shopping. It’s just when you get off of work at 5 the last thing you want to do is go to the grocery store. This weekend I will go.

For some reason this morning I kept thinking it was Friday, probably more like wishing. But the work days are going by fast, so I’m happy.

Next week I will be focusing on eating better and adding weights into my workout! So excited!!

🙂

Alcohol

So Saturday was an absolute disaster… Emotional breakdown overload.

So my boyfriend and I went to dinner with his brother, girlfriend and her two kids (both under the age of like 4). To discuss her possibly moving in and just to catch up on what all has been going on in each others lives.

Of course, we were early and they were late. So we sat there munching on appetizers and had a drink. I forgot to take my anti-anxiety medication. So I was hoping drinks would calm me down and help me relax. Did it? Of course not.

Before the actual dinner was even ordered I started to break down, had to go to the bathroom twice and compose myself. I did pretty good until the second drink. I couldn’t hold it together, completely broke down in the bathroom and started bawling. Luckily by that time dinner was done and we were getting ready to leave.

My niece and nephew I have learned to be around and learned how to control my emotions while I am around them. But any other kids, I just can’t seem to handle it.

It sucks and I feel so bad about it. But I can’t control it. I hate that it makes people uncomfortable. Ugh. I just give.

Normal

I’m somewhat starting to feel normal again… Mostly from the help of anti-depressants. Which sucks, but what can you do.

I tried the therapy thing… $40 a visit, with insurance, and not really having any body I could find that specialized in S.I.D.S. or child-loss, just didn’t seem worth it to me. I dunno maybe I’m just expecting more out of people then I should. Maybe I need to do more research and find a therapist that knows more about it. I just want to hear more than: I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what you are going thru, there are no words, etc. I am so sick of hearing it. But at the same time, what do you say? I mean unless you have been there, you don’t know.

It was almost mind bogging how you hear about S.I.D.S. and S.I.D.S. prevention 24-7 when you are expecting. That “Each year in the United States, about 4,000 infants die suddenly of no immediately, obvious cause” “SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants aged 1–12 months, and is the third leading cause overall of infant mortality in the United States” But yet when it happens, you can’t find any support. It’s like it’s made up. You look for counselling and nothing, therapist and nothing… I felt so lost for the longest time. Like I was suffering from some crazy unknown hallucination. It was possibly the worst feel in the world, other than loosing her to start with. And then to feel like there was no help, no one to talk to that would understand, it was almost unbearable.

And her father went into a downward spiral that I couldn’t do anything about. On top of trying to deal with myself I was trying to take care of him. It became impossible. Finally I had to leave, not only was he starting to pull me down with him, but he was becoming a danger to my health. Months of trying to help him and doing whatever I could didn’t even seem to faze him, he didn’t even want to try. So leaving and being alone got added to my list, luckily family lives near by.

So I started off, alone, in a quest to find closure… 

So far I’m still searching today.

Thoughts

Sometimes it almost seems that Anabella being here was only a dream. I had wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember. And the day that I found out I just couldn’t believe it.

I mean, maybe this is TMI, but when I was with my ex-husband we used no form of protection and nothing for 6 years! It definitely makes you wonder if something is wrong with you. Even to the point to where I was looking into going to a specialists about it. 

And then one day I noticed that my chest was more sore than it had ever been, ran and bought a test and there it was. Two pink lines. Her father and I were over joyed. Scared, but so happy.

Eight months flew by and here she was, making her grand entrance into the world. Beautiful, happy, healthy, amazing baby girl.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but sadly this day in age that is hard to come by. The first 6 weeks was tough, but it was great to be there with her every second of every day. I wanted to go back to work but I didn’t. Staying home with her would have been the best. But I love to work, most of all I love the people I work with.

The next 38 weeks were almost a blur. It went by way too fast. Thinking I had forever with her… Thinking nothing would ever happen… Thinking she had her whole life in front of her…

And then…

She was gone.

The first six months after it happened I was still in shock. In survival mode. Going through the motions…

But when all the phone calls stopped, people quit talking and asking, everything went quiet… That’s when it hits.

Wishing you did more, wishing you were better, wishing it was you instead of her… But no matter how much you wish, beg and pray, it is what it is and there’s nothing you can do about it but learn to deal. The new “normal”.

The more and more time that goes by it just seems like Anabella was a dream… I know that’s not true, she was here. 

I just wish her so much… 

Change

So all day yesterday all I could think about was how I wanted change… Not like to move somewhere or anything like that, but to change me. To pick up a new hobby, or create a new goal. I’m just not sure what.

I did have a few ideas….

1. Read a new book every month. I love to read, so this wouldn’t be a hard one. Just being sure that I make the time to do it… But I just don’t feel like that is challenging enough for me. That’s not really the best explanation. More like I want to improve myself. Yes, yes I know reading is a way to improve yourself. But I mean in a different way, I want to become better, happy, healthier, to improve my soul! 
2. Go to the gym. While I need to anyways because I’m paying for a gym membership at Planet Fitness, I just seem to always make up excuses on why I can’t go. It’s something that I really need to stop. I have a gym bad in my office at work, so there is really no excuse. So, this is one I am definitely going to set. Monday no more excuses, I will go to the gym. I want to at least go 3 times a week, mostly starting out in cardio to get back in the habit. Then move back in weights. To all my followers, hold me to it!!
3. Volunteer. I don’t know what for but I really want to. Any ideas?
4. Church. Get more involved. Read the bible completely. I really want to strengthen my faith.

That’s all I have for now. Do any of y’all out there have any ideas?

Sleep

So for almost two months I have barely slept. Either I stay up late and get a couple hours of sleep, or I go to bed early and wake up every hour. Either way neither is enough.

The strange part is that this issue started a couple of weeks before my step-mom was admitted to the hospital. And, of course, you can’t pinpoint the reasoning why. Stress? Knowing deep down inside that she didn’t have much time left? I’m sure it has something to do with it.

After a few days of barely any sleep and daily functions getting harder to do my boyfriend recommended for me to take the sleeping pills my doctor gave me.Which they work and I probably should take them, because they make me so drowsy the next day. But I did sleep amazingly! I just wish there was a natural way for me to get sleep. I hate taking medicine!!

 

This afternoon was harder than most. We went to my dad’s house to all get together. It’s always a little harder when my niece is around, she’s six months older than Bella would be. I see her and all I think about is how Bella will never be able to do those things, she will never get to grow up, to learn…. To live…

While I’m there it isn’t so bad. I don’t think about it, I just focus on what is going on and don’t allow myself to have those thoughts. It’s the silent drive home that’s the killer. Only 30 minutes, but any time alone is enough.

Just when I think about it the more and more mad I get. I just don’t get it. Why did a perfect, happy and healthy baby, get taken away? What was the reasoning? No one can ever seem to give an answer that gives any type of closure.

People say that she’s in a better place. Which is true. But I did everything in my ability to make here the better place. I want here to be the better place…

They say that everything happens for a reason. Also, true. But why? What’s the reason? Exactly, no one knows. So if there isn’t a reason then it shouldn’t have happened.

Then the worst the absolute worst is when they say that God needed another angel. Seriously?!?!?!?!?!!? Sure, she is now an angel. But do you honestly think that God is so selfish that he kills innocent babies so that he can have more angels. One of the best responses I have heard to this is that “it is easy to say that God needed another angel when it’s not your child.”

I’m just angry… I wish I wasn’t but I can’t help but to be. My faith has faltered more and more, because I just don’t get it.

I try so hard not to show how I really feel, because most of the time people’s advise just pisses me off.

Ugh, just sometimes I wish someone could tell me that everything I’m feeling is normal…

Learning

This year has been a battle and every little thing seems to feel like the impossible. But some how some way life must go on…

A little background: November 7th 2012 My step-mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. December 17th 2012 I lost my daughter, Anabella Grace, to S.I.D.S. She was 11 months old. July 27th 2013 I lost my step-mom.

Days come and go, but mostly just going through the motions. 

This is me trying to live again!