This afternoon was harder than most. We went to my dad’s house to all get together. It’s always a little harder when my niece is around, she’s six months older than Bella would be. I see her and all I think about is how Bella will never be able to do those things, she will never get to grow up, to learn…. To live…
While I’m there it isn’t so bad. I don’t think about it, I just focus on what is going on and don’t allow myself to have those thoughts. It’s the silent drive home that’s the killer. Only 30 minutes, but any time alone is enough.
Just when I think about it the more and more mad I get. I just don’t get it. Why did a perfect, happy and healthy baby, get taken away? What was the reasoning? No one can ever seem to give an answer that gives any type of closure.
People say that she’s in a better place. Which is true. But I did everything in my ability to make here the better place. I want here to be the better place…
They say that everything happens for a reason. Also, true. But why? What’s the reason? Exactly, no one knows. So if there isn’t a reason then it shouldn’t have happened.
Then the worst the absolute worst is when they say that God needed another angel. Seriously?!?!?!?!?!!? Sure, she is now an angel. But do you honestly think that God is so selfish that he kills innocent babies so that he can have more angels. One of the best responses I have heard to this is that “it is easy to say that God needed another angel when it’s not your child.”
I’m just angry… I wish I wasn’t but I can’t help but to be. My faith has faltered more and more, because I just don’t get it.
I try so hard not to show how I really feel, because most of the time people’s advise just pisses me off.
Ugh, just sometimes I wish someone could tell me that everything I’m feeling is normal…
Me vs Myself 
Totally normal feelings I think. I have been there. The feelings come in waves. I also have a hard time being around my best friend’s baby who was born 2 days before my Anneliese died. Every time I see her doing something that she never got to do, such as crawl, my heart breaks. I have yelled and screamed at God. I think he can handle it.
I’m glad to know that I am not the only one that has felt this way. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy. It’s getting better with time, but still I can only handle small spurts with them. Luckily my family is understanding and knows that sometimes I have to walk away or leave. But it still feels like most of the time I’m alone in this, because no one knows what to say or how to act. But I just try to remember that they are trying their best to be there for me and that is what matters!