Normal

I’m somewhat starting to feel normal again… Mostly from the help of anti-depressants. Which sucks, but what can you do.

I tried the therapy thing… $40 a visit, with insurance, and not really having any body I could find that specialized in S.I.D.S. or child-loss, just didn’t seem worth it to me. I dunno maybe I’m just expecting more out of people then I should. Maybe I need to do more research and find a therapist that knows more about it. I just want to hear more than: I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what you are going thru, there are no words, etc. I am so sick of hearing it. But at the same time, what do you say? I mean unless you have been there, you don’t know.

It was almost mind bogging how you hear about S.I.D.S. and S.I.D.S. prevention 24-7 when you are expecting. That “Each year in the United States, about 4,000 infants die suddenly of no immediately, obvious cause” “SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants aged 1–12 months, and is the third leading cause overall of infant mortality in the United States” But yet when it happens, you can’t find any support. It’s like it’s made up. You look for counselling and nothing, therapist and nothing… I felt so lost for the longest time. Like I was suffering from some crazy unknown hallucination. It was possibly the worst feel in the world, other than loosing her to start with. And then to feel like there was no help, no one to talk to that would understand, it was almost unbearable.

And her father went into a downward spiral that I couldn’t do anything about. On top of trying to deal with myself I was trying to take care of him. It became impossible. Finally I had to leave, not only was he starting to pull me down with him, but he was becoming a danger to my health. Months of trying to help him and doing whatever I could didn’t even seem to faze him, he didn’t even want to try. So leaving and being alone got added to my list, luckily family lives near by.

So I started off, alone, in a quest to find closure… 

So far I’m still searching today.