I have been serverly lacking in blog post here lately. Not because I haven’t wanted to, because trust me I need to my habit of bottling everything up is not good. It’s just by the time I get home, eat and get settled it’s 10:00 at night. You know the normal USA life, working it away. Sad, but true.

I have been doing ok I guess. I just notice that my fuse is short… And I mean really short.

I hate when parent’s complain about their kids and the responsibility of being a parent. I mean honestly you don’t know how lucky you are. And I will admit I was partly the same way when Bella was here, but now my entire mindset has changed. 

I would give anything to be up all night taking care of her. To have my entire day revolve around her.

And I try to be so happy about survival stories of babies. But I get so hateful at the same time. I mean to hear that these babies have beat all odds, but Bella couldn’t. Is it wrong of me?

Sigh… Maybe one day I will be able to come to terms with things…

Alcohol

So Saturday was an absolute disaster… Emotional breakdown overload.

So my boyfriend and I went to dinner with his brother, girlfriend and her two kids (both under the age of like 4). To discuss her possibly moving in and just to catch up on what all has been going on in each others lives.

Of course, we were early and they were late. So we sat there munching on appetizers and had a drink. I forgot to take my anti-anxiety medication. So I was hoping drinks would calm me down and help me relax. Did it? Of course not.

Before the actual dinner was even ordered I started to break down, had to go to the bathroom twice and compose myself. I did pretty good until the second drink. I couldn’t hold it together, completely broke down in the bathroom and started bawling. Luckily by that time dinner was done and we were getting ready to leave.

My niece and nephew I have learned to be around and learned how to control my emotions while I am around them. But any other kids, I just can’t seem to handle it.

It sucks and I feel so bad about it. But I can’t control it. I hate that it makes people uncomfortable. Ugh. I just give.

Thoughts

Sometimes it almost seems that Anabella being here was only a dream. I had wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember. And the day that I found out I just couldn’t believe it.

I mean, maybe this is TMI, but when I was with my ex-husband we used no form of protection and nothing for 6 years! It definitely makes you wonder if something is wrong with you. Even to the point to where I was looking into going to a specialists about it. 

And then one day I noticed that my chest was more sore than it had ever been, ran and bought a test and there it was. Two pink lines. Her father and I were over joyed. Scared, but so happy.

Eight months flew by and here she was, making her grand entrance into the world. Beautiful, happy, healthy, amazing baby girl.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but sadly this day in age that is hard to come by. The first 6 weeks was tough, but it was great to be there with her every second of every day. I wanted to go back to work but I didn’t. Staying home with her would have been the best. But I love to work, most of all I love the people I work with.

The next 38 weeks were almost a blur. It went by way too fast. Thinking I had forever with her… Thinking nothing would ever happen… Thinking she had her whole life in front of her…

And then…

She was gone.

The first six months after it happened I was still in shock. In survival mode. Going through the motions…

But when all the phone calls stopped, people quit talking and asking, everything went quiet… That’s when it hits.

Wishing you did more, wishing you were better, wishing it was you instead of her… But no matter how much you wish, beg and pray, it is what it is and there’s nothing you can do about it but learn to deal. The new “normal”.

The more and more time that goes by it just seems like Anabella was a dream… I know that’s not true, she was here. 

I just wish her so much… 

 

This afternoon was harder than most. We went to my dad’s house to all get together. It’s always a little harder when my niece is around, she’s six months older than Bella would be. I see her and all I think about is how Bella will never be able to do those things, she will never get to grow up, to learn…. To live…

While I’m there it isn’t so bad. I don’t think about it, I just focus on what is going on and don’t allow myself to have those thoughts. It’s the silent drive home that’s the killer. Only 30 minutes, but any time alone is enough.

Just when I think about it the more and more mad I get. I just don’t get it. Why did a perfect, happy and healthy baby, get taken away? What was the reasoning? No one can ever seem to give an answer that gives any type of closure.

People say that she’s in a better place. Which is true. But I did everything in my ability to make here the better place. I want here to be the better place…

They say that everything happens for a reason. Also, true. But why? What’s the reason? Exactly, no one knows. So if there isn’t a reason then it shouldn’t have happened.

Then the worst the absolute worst is when they say that God needed another angel. Seriously?!?!?!?!?!!? Sure, she is now an angel. But do you honestly think that God is so selfish that he kills innocent babies so that he can have more angels. One of the best responses I have heard to this is that “it is easy to say that God needed another angel when it’s not your child.”

I’m just angry… I wish I wasn’t but I can’t help but to be. My faith has faltered more and more, because I just don’t get it.

I try so hard not to show how I really feel, because most of the time people’s advise just pisses me off.

Ugh, just sometimes I wish someone could tell me that everything I’m feeling is normal…