Alcohol

So Saturday was an absolute disaster… Emotional breakdown overload.

So my boyfriend and I went to dinner with his brother, girlfriend and her two kids (both under the age of like 4). To discuss her possibly moving in and just to catch up on what all has been going on in each others lives.

Of course, we were early and they were late. So we sat there munching on appetizers and had a drink. I forgot to take my anti-anxiety medication. So I was hoping drinks would calm me down and help me relax. Did it? Of course not.

Before the actual dinner was even ordered I started to break down, had to go to the bathroom twice and compose myself. I did pretty good until the second drink. I couldn’t hold it together, completely broke down in the bathroom and started bawling. Luckily by that time dinner was done and we were getting ready to leave.

My niece and nephew I have learned to be around and learned how to control my emotions while I am around them. But any other kids, I just can’t seem to handle it.

It sucks and I feel so bad about it. But I can’t control it. I hate that it makes people uncomfortable. Ugh. I just give.

Normal

I’m somewhat starting to feel normal again… Mostly from the help of anti-depressants. Which sucks, but what can you do.

I tried the therapy thing… $40 a visit, with insurance, and not really having any body I could find that specialized in S.I.D.S. or child-loss, just didn’t seem worth it to me. I dunno maybe I’m just expecting more out of people then I should. Maybe I need to do more research and find a therapist that knows more about it. I just want to hear more than: I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what you are going thru, there are no words, etc. I am so sick of hearing it. But at the same time, what do you say? I mean unless you have been there, you don’t know.

It was almost mind bogging how you hear about S.I.D.S. and S.I.D.S. prevention 24-7 when you are expecting. That “Each year in the United States, about 4,000 infants die suddenly of no immediately, obvious cause” “SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants aged 1–12 months, and is the third leading cause overall of infant mortality in the United States” But yet when it happens, you can’t find any support. It’s like it’s made up. You look for counselling and nothing, therapist and nothing… I felt so lost for the longest time. Like I was suffering from some crazy unknown hallucination. It was possibly the worst feel in the world, other than loosing her to start with. And then to feel like there was no help, no one to talk to that would understand, it was almost unbearable.

And her father went into a downward spiral that I couldn’t do anything about. On top of trying to deal with myself I was trying to take care of him. It became impossible. Finally I had to leave, not only was he starting to pull me down with him, but he was becoming a danger to my health. Months of trying to help him and doing whatever I could didn’t even seem to faze him, he didn’t even want to try. So leaving and being alone got added to my list, luckily family lives near by.

So I started off, alone, in a quest to find closure… 

So far I’m still searching today.

 

This afternoon was harder than most. We went to my dad’s house to all get together. It’s always a little harder when my niece is around, she’s six months older than Bella would be. I see her and all I think about is how Bella will never be able to do those things, she will never get to grow up, to learn…. To live…

While I’m there it isn’t so bad. I don’t think about it, I just focus on what is going on and don’t allow myself to have those thoughts. It’s the silent drive home that’s the killer. Only 30 minutes, but any time alone is enough.

Just when I think about it the more and more mad I get. I just don’t get it. Why did a perfect, happy and healthy baby, get taken away? What was the reasoning? No one can ever seem to give an answer that gives any type of closure.

People say that she’s in a better place. Which is true. But I did everything in my ability to make here the better place. I want here to be the better place…

They say that everything happens for a reason. Also, true. But why? What’s the reason? Exactly, no one knows. So if there isn’t a reason then it shouldn’t have happened.

Then the worst the absolute worst is when they say that God needed another angel. Seriously?!?!?!?!?!!? Sure, she is now an angel. But do you honestly think that God is so selfish that he kills innocent babies so that he can have more angels. One of the best responses I have heard to this is that “it is easy to say that God needed another angel when it’s not your child.”

I’m just angry… I wish I wasn’t but I can’t help but to be. My faith has faltered more and more, because I just don’t get it.

I try so hard not to show how I really feel, because most of the time people’s advise just pisses me off.

Ugh, just sometimes I wish someone could tell me that everything I’m feeling is normal…

Learning

This year has been a battle and every little thing seems to feel like the impossible. But some how some way life must go on…

A little background: November 7th 2012 My step-mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. December 17th 2012 I lost my daughter, Anabella Grace, to S.I.D.S. She was 11 months old. July 27th 2013 I lost my step-mom.

Days come and go, but mostly just going through the motions. 

This is me trying to live again!