Alcohol

So Saturday was an absolute disaster… Emotional breakdown overload.

So my boyfriend and I went to dinner with his brother, girlfriend and her two kids (both under the age of like 4). To discuss her possibly moving in and just to catch up on what all has been going on in each others lives.

Of course, we were early and they were late. So we sat there munching on appetizers and had a drink. I forgot to take my anti-anxiety medication. So I was hoping drinks would calm me down and help me relax. Did it? Of course not.

Before the actual dinner was even ordered I started to break down, had to go to the bathroom twice and compose myself. I did pretty good until the second drink. I couldn’t hold it together, completely broke down in the bathroom and started bawling. Luckily by that time dinner was done and we were getting ready to leave.

My niece and nephew I have learned to be around and learned how to control my emotions while I am around them. But any other kids, I just can’t seem to handle it.

It sucks and I feel so bad about it. But I can’t control it. I hate that it makes people uncomfortable. Ugh. I just give.

 

This afternoon was harder than most. We went to my dad’s house to all get together. It’s always a little harder when my niece is around, she’s six months older than Bella would be. I see her and all I think about is how Bella will never be able to do those things, she will never get to grow up, to learn…. To live…

While I’m there it isn’t so bad. I don’t think about it, I just focus on what is going on and don’t allow myself to have those thoughts. It’s the silent drive home that’s the killer. Only 30 minutes, but any time alone is enough.

Just when I think about it the more and more mad I get. I just don’t get it. Why did a perfect, happy and healthy baby, get taken away? What was the reasoning? No one can ever seem to give an answer that gives any type of closure.

People say that she’s in a better place. Which is true. But I did everything in my ability to make here the better place. I want here to be the better place…

They say that everything happens for a reason. Also, true. But why? What’s the reason? Exactly, no one knows. So if there isn’t a reason then it shouldn’t have happened.

Then the worst the absolute worst is when they say that God needed another angel. Seriously?!?!?!?!?!!? Sure, she is now an angel. But do you honestly think that God is so selfish that he kills innocent babies so that he can have more angels. One of the best responses I have heard to this is that “it is easy to say that God needed another angel when it’s not your child.”

I’m just angry… I wish I wasn’t but I can’t help but to be. My faith has faltered more and more, because I just don’t get it.

I try so hard not to show how I really feel, because most of the time people’s advise just pisses me off.

Ugh, just sometimes I wish someone could tell me that everything I’m feeling is normal…